I did it. I went back...back to the place where I saw my baby girl take her last breath and join our Father for all eternity.
Going back was hard...
I am now paranoid...okay, there you have it, I have admitted it. I am paranoid of something happening beyond my control and losing my other child, too. Wyatt has now been to the pediatrician twice for mystery bugs that seem to be gone by the time we get home from the doctor's office. The first time Scott took him. I couldn't face it and didn't want to even try. On Monday, I had to do it. I didn't really want to but I knew that I had to.
Going back was hard...
I made a point to be ready ahead of time to allow lots of driving time as I knew I could not take the same route that I took on March 27th. I did still get on the interstate and cried the whole way. I didn't want to face the parking lot...the spot where I stood and knew that my daughter had just taken her last breath...running into the office and having her worked on...the back of the building where the ambulance pulled in and I was told that I couldn't ride in the back with her...the faces...the shock...the loss. I still cannot get off at the Harbison Blvd exit and always take another exit or route even when not going to the pediatrician. That is where we were when I asked Wyatt what his sister was doing and he answered "she's just sleeping, Mommy". Was she already meeting Jesus and experiencing glory? I think she was getting a glimpse and waiting a few moments for me to see her pass into her heavenly home peacefully.
Going back is hard...
I parked on the opposite side of the parking lot; although, noticing that "the spot" was open and closer. Wyatt and I walked inside hand in hand as we do almost always...except on that day, we ran. We sat, playing some of his favorite travel games, and waited. Then it got a little easier...seeing Dr. Kapp...talking about normal childhood illnesses...strep throat...ear infections...living...missing Annabelle...loving every second with Wyatt...things that have become a part of my everyday conversations. Wyatt's throat looked a little red so they ran a strep test just in case.
Going back was hard...
The nurse came in to swab his throat...I had seen her before...I knew her face. Then, I read her name tag...she was the nurse that has left beautiful, touching comments on this blog and took Annabelle from my arms on that day. My mind went blank and all I could say was that it was nice to meet her. (Think: Baby meeting Johnny in Dirty Dancing..."I carried a watermelon" moment). I am definitely more comfortable writing my thoughts than speaking them. I didn't expect to see her and was trying to stay numb the entire time. As soon as we left, it all came to me...the things that I wanted to say but couldn't...the love that I have for those people but couldn't show...the pain that is so raw that hurts to expose.
Staci, if you read this please know that you are forever a part of our lives and the day that will stay with me forever. You took my sweet babydoll from my arms and I am so thankful...for your compassion and dedication to her. God chose you to be the one to rush to her that morning and hold her precious little body. I couldn't move...I couldn't think...you did those things for me. Thank you, thank you...I wish I could rewind to seeing you on Monday morning and knowing who you are and will always be to me and hug you. I will next time...but Monday was hard.
15 comments:
OK Rebecca...the tears are flowing. I so know how you feel about "going back". It is so hard to do those "firsts". I think I have your number on my old e-mail (new one is thomas.haberman@att.net), but I would really love to call you and put a voice to your beautiful and familiar words. I think that we shared a lot of the same experiences on the day our babies went to be with our Father. I know that feeling that you describe when Staci took Annabelle from your arms. My mother did the same thing with Luke and I can never thank her enough for that. It is like you are paralyzed. No matter how much they tell you that "this could happen", you are never ready for it to actually happen. God bless you and your sweet little Annabelle. I agree that she and Luke are playing and sharing stories with God. What an amazing thing to have our own angels praying for us! Talk to you soon!
I am proud of you.
-Sarah
Rebecca,
I've been lurking on your blog for a couple of months now and check almost every day for an update. I am crying, like I usually am after reading your poignant words. I can't imagine the utter sense of loss that you still (and will always) experience. I am so glad that one day all the pain will be gone and you will once again be able to hold your darling girl. I pray for you and your family quite often. My son Benjamin has Down syndrome and has heart defects tha will require open-heart surgery in the next month or two. (We're waiting for his surgery to be scheduled.) Everytime I get frustrated at how life is so much more different now than how we expected it to be, I think of moms like you who would give anything to be dealing with my issues. I am so sorry for your loss but I thank you for allowing God to work in you even when it hurts so much.
Angela
Rebecca,
I am glad we finally met Monday morning. Although I had never met you, Wyatt or Annabelle before that day, I felt as if I had known you for a lifetime. I had to choke back the tears and pray for strength before entering the room. I felt it may have been your 1st time back and I wanted to make it as easy as possible for you. I didn't want it to be an all consuming visit for you. I could see the pain in your eyes and wished that somehow I could take it all away for you. You are so very sweet and caring. Thank you for your kind words. I wanted to run faster, work harder, do anything possible to save her that morning. We all did. Oh, how I wish I could have done more! A day doesn't go by that I don't think of Annabelle. She was so peaceful. Beautiful. Just like you. You are an awesome mother and Wyatt is so very lucky that God chose you for him. I know you bring an enormous amount of joy to one another. I can tell he gives you a good laugh when you need it most. Sweet boy! God has a way of touching us through children. I know Monday was hard for you. We will hug later, I have one for you too.
Rebecca ~ I am sending {{hugs}} to you. No family should ever have to go through any of this that you have dealt with.
Since we have first "chatted" not a day goes by that I don't think about you and your family. Being with Lauren each day reminds me of you and Annabelle.
And, such sweet words from nurse Staci -
I am thinking of you...I hope you have a wonderful weekend!!!!
Amanda
I can not image what that must have been like for you or felt like for you. Your testimony is great and your family is blessed to have you. Annabelle and Wyatt are so lucky to have you as their mom. Such a great stance for Christ. you are also lucky to have had a nurse with such a love for our Living God.
take Care!
Leigh Ann Gandy
As always, my heart aches for you Rebecca. I'm so proud of you and can't imagine how difficult it was going back there. You are such an incredible mother who is inspiring all of us to cherish every minute with our little ones. Thank you.
Love,
Katie
You are amazing and strong... I don't know if I would have been able to go back... I can't imagine the pain. But you did it, and you wrote about it beautifully! I love the post by nurse Staci... that was so sweet.
I don't think I would have known what to say or do at that office that day either.
Andrea
Rebecca,
I can only imagine how hard it was for your to "go back". I'm so proud of you and the strength and courage you had to face that day. You are amazing!
Love,
Lea
You do not know me, I found your site through a friends friend who's baby has HLHS. My three year old son Ethan has Tetrology of Fallot, and had open heart surgery when he was 5 months old. I enjoy so much reading your blog, and I am envious that you've been able to start the "Annabelle's baskets" I have wanted to "give back" to the hospital that cared for my son (Primary Childrens Medical Center) but I have a total of four children, and each time I try to do so, I just can't fit it; it is not yet my season.
I just wanted to comment on how often I am encouraged and uplifted by your words, and almost feel as though I know your little Annabelle through your words. I am not sure why we are called on to suffer the things we do, but I also belive that all things point us to Christ, if we let it.
I am so grateful each day for each of my children, and I am so overwhelmed when I think of the wonders they are doing with these "heart babies", Ethan's condition was much more critical 15 years ago than now, and I am aware of how many broken hearts their are on the path that has lead to MY Ethan being so lucky.
God bless you for your efforts. You (and your family) are superheros to so many that will benefit from Annabelle's heart, what a legacy for anyone to leave behind.
I ask for peace and comfort in your behalf, I know a loving Heavenly Father stands waiting to bless and comfort you.
Love,
Catherine Seivert
Wow, what a hard day. I remember when Mike and I went back up to the PICU at Primary's, it was hard to pick up the phone, to do what we had done so many times before, and not speak Ryker's name, but another baby's. I wanted to let you know that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law loved the basket. We let my niece open it up, and she immediately grabbed the cute little shoe-socks and bow, and wanted to wear both. It was darling. The little card was darling, I just love how cute Annabelle is. She really is a beautiful baby!
Heart hugs and prayers,
Emily
I can only imagine how hard that was Rebecca as I have not yet returned to the PICU since Eden's passing. I am so uplifted and strengthen though by your words and so proud of you for doing such a difficult thing. I know how intense and strong the pain can be and how big the loss is, but it brings me comfort to know that our little angels are with the Lord and without aches or pains. I believe that they are closer to us than we know and watch over us always. Thank you for sharing your experience as it strengthened me.
Love, Keisa
Rebecca,
You are amazing! How hard it must be to face each month on the 27th and sometimes each day of the month. My heart aches for you! The Lord has truly blessed you and Scott with two beautiful children. I am confident that Annabelle is giggling in heaven as she hears her big brother Wyatt (looking for spirits!!!!)I am so proud of you and your efforts with the Annabelle baskets. I would love to assist you with that ministry if you need supplies donated or whatever, please let me know. You and Scott and Wyatt are in my thoughts and prayers often.
May the Lord continue to heal your hearts while keeping your memories of Annabelle fresh in your minds.
I know that you will find peace knowing that Annabelle's heart will benefit so many others. Continue to write your thoughts, the Lord has certainly used you to touch the lives of so many!
God Bless!
Kathy Jackson
Rebecca,
You are the most courageous and strong woman! I don't have the right words to tell you how much I care about and love you. I'm not very good at staying in touch with you and for that I am most ashamed. You are absolutely amazing ... God will continue to give you the strength you need as the hard things come.
All my love,
Shannon
Rebecca
I have been reading your blog for a few months after a friend of mine had a baby with HLHS. You have such a way with words. I wish I could say something to help ease your pain. Your words touch my heart. May God continue to comfort you.
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