The Balancing Act

**A little update at the end of the post!**

I had a great doctor's appointment last week...but, I was very, very sad. I hate to even admit that and I've wrestled over sharing it here. It's true. I want to be transparent...sharing even the not so good times. I've done it before and I found such warmth in your words that I felt it was safe to do it again.

As you may imagine, this pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride. I have extremely high highs and just as extreme low lows. I've stayed away from the lows purposefully. I feel that those are the enemy's attacks on attempting to steal joy from me, from our family once again. It's still very real to me and, at times, can be overwhelming. That's when I have to stop and give it to God. He is, after all, the only One Who can handle it. Thanks be to God that I have learned that much!

It's not just in my mind though...even our precious five year old son has been burdened with worry and pain and he, too, has been reluctant to open his scarred little heart again to loving another baby for the risk of it being torn in two...again. I can barely wrap my mind around all that we've experienced in the past two years. How can I possibly expect him to make sense of it all? We haven't pushed this baby onto him and it's been very hard not to. This child is different and each of us has to allow him into our lives in our own timing. Wyatt used to lay his little head on my belly when I was pregnant with Annabelle and sing to her, talk to her and love on her so much. This time it's different. For 32 weeks, he didn't do any of those things. He actually came up with a new way to talk to Luke that was cute at first but we later realized it was due to the fact that he was afraid to get close to him. He would just yell down my mouth or blow kisses to him but never close enough to touch him. He would grab my neck for a hug but never my belly. It broke my heart to know he was that scared and that's the only way he could process it.

About a month ago, I began having some baby showers. The nursery gradually became more and more complete. We went shopping as a family for a new car seat/travel system and let Wyatt pick out the car seat toys for his baby brother. I got the boys a few (okay, maybe I went overboard a little) matching outfits and shared them with him...matching pj's included! The JOY has grown little by little. Wyatt has seen Scott and I open our hearts more at each tiny milestone. Just two weeks ago, I was lying on the couch just before Wyatt's bedtime and he crawled right up and layed his head on my belly for the very first time. Since then, he's began physically allowing himself to open up and love another baby...a hug on the belly for a second, a "hey Lukie Pookie" whisper, and, just recently, he began kissing him. My heart overflows when I see the progress that he's making...knowing it's so hard and it hurts even his little heart to make these tremendous steps. He's doing it...and, that inspires me to do it, too.

So, last week when my doctor asked me what time I would like to schedule the c-section, I just about lost it. She had to hand me some tissue as the reality set in. We are that close...and I don't have a clue how I am supposed to be. How am I possibly supposed to balance the grief of losing a child with the joy of expecting another? I am still processing the "you are going to have a baby with half a heart conversation from almost two years ago". It doesn't seem real at times that so much has happened in such a short amount of time.

With every kick to the ribs, I give thanks (and sometimes let out an "ouch"- he is proving to be an altogether different child even in utero). I am, in complete honesty, not ready for more change. I've never been a fan of it anyways...at least I know that much. It's going to happen regardless and I have about a month left to prepare my heart even more. I don't think I would ever be completely ready but I am excited. I never imagined the JOY that Wyatt would bring to our family or the LOVE that Annabelle continues to challenge us to give and, already, we've experienced so much HOPE in expecting Luke. I commit to focus on those and know fully that God has promised good for those who love Him...I am just praying that it comes quickly!

**UPDATE: Only because (a) I felt like a goofball this afternoon & apparently Wyatt did, too (b) I know Laura Haley well enough to know she won't quit asking until I do this & (c) whatever she asks for she will get from me for the countless hours she cared for Annabelle when I couldn't...the picture you've asked for, my dear...